13 year old Sarah weighs in

Hell yeah!! Is that a plastic barrette? It looks like it's just barely staying in, like she didn't even care when she attached it. Can you do that? I'm totally gonna do that and tell everyone I don't give a fuck.  Mom, we're going to Rite Aid.

Oh my god, have you seen this video (probably not).  It's crazy! Well press play if you want an intense experience.  There's this one scene where a really small monkey is on a cross, and then there's these twins, and there are candles EVERYWHERE. A tiny piano!! Whoa! Ok, but don't play it too loud because my parents don't want me to watch this.

Ok, I know there's a baby penis on my t-shirt, but you have to look past that.  He's chasing a dollar bill, underwater.  You know the water represents the womb, and the dollar is the government, because even in the womb they want to control you and your babies. I know this girl on my soccer team who's name is Rochelle and she says that you can get pregnant even if you just go swimming with a guy because sperm swims, kinda like this baby is swimming. Whoa does Nirvana know that this is how babies can be made? Maybe this is one of those pool babies that Kurt made and he and Courtney keep it in a pool ALL the time because they have this mansion in Portland with like 3 pools and they're all connected because the baby never gets out of the pool (he cries). So he just swims from pool, to pool, to pool, and that's why they took this photo and why I bought the t-shirt, Dad.

I mean, he would marry me right? Maybe in a year or two when I get breasts and I'm learning how to play the bass and I'm at the Southern New Jersey gifted and talented annual Olympics of the Mind Competition, maybe he would be a judge! I mean why wouldn't he be the judge at our annual OMC. He's totally gifted, but he doesn't take it seriously like Jill Rodeo who thinks you have to wear turtlenecks and Benetton cardigans just to take AP English. I wrote 3 short stories all about this guy who lives all alone after a nuclear bomb goes off and he grows all these weird tentacles and shit, then he meets this beautiful reluctant vampire girl and they make mutant babies.  I got a B+. 

I mean he's making up his own language. Jill Rodeo says that it's "puerile" and "banal" (her words, what a bitch). But I told her that it's no different than Joyce's use of slang in Ulysses. That shut her up, she's never even read it. I will totally read that book one day when I live in a city with a decent coffee shop. 

This movie wasn't that great.  He pushed those drugs OUT of that lady's arm. That's not cool, I mean he's a musician that doesn't do needle drugs, lame. Although I did like the crow (the bird not the dude) because I read this book about spirit animals and my spirit animal is totally a crow because I have black hair.

My mom says that if I keep up my GPA, I can get these for Christmas.  I don't believe in Christmas, it's a stupid commercial holiday for a god I don't EVEN believe in. I'm a Buddhist, or maybe a Satanist. Just kidding, Satanists are stupid (even though they dress cool).  Coral Roberts dates a metal guy who says he's a Satanist.  I believe her, she's crazy. One time she pretended to be sick and stayed home from school. She prank called 911 like 3 times. She told them her house was on fire. They almost came to her HOUSE! She got in so much trouble.  I would never prank call 911 that's really juvenile, they provide a service.

I like that you can make something so sharp so pretty. I made a ton of these on Saturday  and then I strung them all on this fake pearl necklace I got at the Vineland Goodwill. It's like I took something that NOBODY wanted and made it beautiful.
 I wish I had a boyfriend.

I wish I had a boyfriend like this.

No, more like this! Look at his face, he's so intense.  Maybe we could meet in group therapy in a really poorly run mental institution where the doctors are too jaded (my new favorite word) to care and he doesn't take their meds or their SHIT. Then they try electroshock therapy as a last ditch effort, but he and I escape the night before and we move to Canada and live in a cabin along this beautiful lake. But then we move to the city and become crazy artists in a loft and we never become jaded, ever.

This is going to be my first tattoo.  It's like a cave painting or something you would see woven into a Navajo blanket.  It's so tribal.  Pearl Jam is a really great band because they talk about serious issues, but they just cut through all of the bullshit.  There's a lot of bullshit in the world.

This band (you've probably never even heard of them) is called Daisy Chainsaw.  Cool right! It's just like the beaded safety pins, they took a soft thing and a dangerous thing and they combined it together. It's like how my band is going to be called Concrete Cotton Candy. Don't use it, I already called it. Jill Rodeo told me that I'm not a good musician because she made first chair violin and I only made second chair. I told her that the next time she and her brother Carl go swimming, she's going to get knocked up.

I like how they placed the eye the wrong way. It's cool how you can turn something like an eyelid on it's side and it doesn't mean anything. I think the eye is crying too, weird. Well, that's the Cure for you.
Ok bye!!!

                                                   
                                                        

   

So you want to have a baby

Hey Satan

That's right, this Satan

I'm using Hellvetica, to make a point...
a point about SATAN!
Please press play for a little
mood music.

Ok, now listen and read on. IF YOU DARE!

Underground is Satan's root cellar.
Satan believes in food storage.

The extraordinary story of one woman's escape from Satan's root cellar.
She's allergic to homemade pickles.
Homemade pickles from HELL.

Look, if he has a manor clearly he has a root cellar.
A root cellar from HELL.

See, I told you he had a cellar (disregard the author's clear misspelling).
This woman slipped and fell down the steps in Satan's root cellar. Although Satan waited with her for the paramedics, she sued him for 2.1 million dollars in pain and suffering. Satan hired a private detective who took photos of her cleaning her pool a week after the accident.  She lost the case.
Satan is the lord of pain and suffering.

Yes I've been impregnated by Satan and yes my son is the antichrist, but he's the antichrist who makes the honor roll.
Hail Satan. 

If Rosemary's baby had a baby that baby is only like 1/4 Satan and would have very little demonic powers.  Unless Satan had a baby with his baby.  Well that would lead to all sorts of developmental problems.  Either way that kid's not playing a guitar with her eyes any time soon.
Satan is his own father.
                    

Michelle remembers candles, lots and lots of candles. She also remembers loosing her feet to Satan... or candles.
Satan has a Yankee Candle gift card.

Michelle also remembers the time that she met a man in the elevator of her husband's law firm who looked just like Michael Douglas.  She spent a year struggling to convince everyone that she had met Michael Douglas in an elevator and NOBODY believed her.  Michelle blames Satan for this.
Satan takes many forms just not Michael Douglas.

Michelle remembers everything, even previous covers from earlier book pressings. Michelle never forgets Satan, NEVER.
All hail Michelle.

Hugs

See, this font means that they're serious about drugs. Who's they? I'm guessing drugs.

It's the upside down antichrist's drug. What's an upside down antichrist, I don't know.  Probably a really nice lady who teaches ballroom dancing for seniors and she's hooked on morphine.

I had to take codeine for my bronchitis once.  Doctor said that the codeine wouldn't cure my cough and she was right I had to take it for many years before the cough went away. Well it went away on the weekdays, on the weekends it comes back and I have to take my medicine, tgif.

Codeine means schoolboy on the streets.  So the next time you hear someone say "I really want to swallow some schoolboys right now", ask that person if they meant schoolboys referring to codeine or schoolboy's referring to something belonging to a schoolboy that they would like to swallow.  It's all about the apostrophe and grammar.

When my OCD strikes, I thank god for amphetamines.  I take a few and then I have the rest of the day to organize the remaining pills by color and shape.  What a great Saturday afternoon!
What do you mean it's Tuesday?

See, peaches and oranges are good for you. Lots of vitamin C!
What do you mean it's Thursday?

Candy is sweet, goofballs are too.
 I took lots of sleeping pills to prove
I love you!

Illegitimate forms were born out of wedlock and they still don't feel right about it.

I went on a tour of America's southwest once.  I stopped in Santa Fe and bought a lovely coat with handmade peyote cactus buttons.  I threw that coat into the Grand Canyon because a crow dared me to.  That crow was nice but a little too impulsive.  I'll never ride on his wings to the land of fire again.  Also I bought a pair of moccasins.

Mother says "don't wear your heroin outfit out in the rain, you'll dampen your works".  Well she used to say that.

I did the most heroin in Hawaii.

If you combine paint thinner and glue you get glue thinner.  If you can get glue thinner then you can get really really high.

A lot of paint thinner, gasoline and glue went into making this jacket.  Just look at the craftsmanship! A lot of  glue thinner went into making Alex Winter.