Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Saga of the Hamburglar

The Hamburglar home
The Hamburglar lives in a modest split level home in Hamburg County Pennsylvania. He spends about 6 months out of the year there maintaining the home and a small vegetable garden. It's his mother's house, but she lives in an Assisted Living Facility called "Cranberry Horizons" in Dillsburg Pennsylvania. She's been there for about 3 years after she suffered a broken hip and shattered knee cap in a ketchup packet accident that the Hamburglar has never really forgiven himself for.  

The problem with his neighbors
 The Hamburglar (seen here anticipating a hug) is not well liked by his neighbors. It all started one New Years eve at a neighborhood party when he accidentally walked in on Mr. Radditch's 16 year old daughter Christine using the bathroom. Unfortunately for the Hamburglar, she told the rest of the party goers that he was "a burger pervert" and he was asked to leave the party. The Hamburglar had several eggnogs under his belt, and he did not take the request well. He threw bread and butter pickle slices at the guests and ran crying into the snow. He was never invited to another neighborhood party again. The Hamburglar tried to retaliate against these snubs by throwing his own holiday parties, but he quickly gave up after spending a very sad Memorial Day with Grimace that ended in a drunken fistfight in front of the local VFW. Also he ran over his neighbor's Yorkshire Terrier Sandy when she was lured into his yard by the smell of burger meat and onions. Claiming that he did not see her amongst all the wrappers, he backed over her in his late model Ford Tahoe. 

The Mayor McCheese incident
Mayor McCheese (seen here congratulating Ernie Higgins, winner of the annual "Mayor McCheese for a day - you'll flip for local government" initiative - a failed program that attempted to reach out to at risk youth through cheese and citizenship) had a major falling out with the Hamburglar in 1997. It all started when they agreed to split the cost of a time share vacation package in Key West, Florida. When they arrived at the house, they found that one bedroom faced the water, and one bedroom unfortunately faced the neighboring house and their recycling bins. They could already see a growing flock of seagulls picking through the bins and both men quickly scrambled to secure the ocean side bedroom. Mayor McCheese attempted reverse psychology by claiming that the he was happy to stay in the back bedroom, as the ocean side bedroom was bound to reek of fish each morning. The Hamburglar called his bluff and agreed to take the ocean side bedroom if it made Mayor McCheese feel "more comfortable". Mayor McCheese then attempted to pull the sympathy card by claiming that "maybe on second thought, the sea air might be beneficial to his asthma" (he then coughed weakly to accentuate his point). The Hamburglar having never heard of Mayor McCheese's "condition" prior to their arrival in Florida demanded to see medical proof of his asthma. Mayor McCheese knew he was caught in a lie and he switched gears by suggesting that they take turns sleeping in the ocean side bedroom. Tuesday through Friday he would take the ocean side room, and the Hamburglar could have it during the weekend. The Hamburglar, realizing that this compromise would lead to him having less days in the room, lashed out and called Mayor McCheese "a serious dickhead" and claimed that he had never voted for him in the first place. Mayor McCheese retaliated by calling the Hamburglar "a second rate degenerate meat thief". They fought for another hour until finally they both agreed that no one would get the ocean side bedroom and they would both sleep on the pullout couch in the den. The solution appeared to work until the following Tuesday night when Mayor McCheese awoke at 2am to find the Hamburglar trying to steal his head. They both packed their bags, took separate vehicles home, and never spoke again.