The Open Road, man

I met Tony outside of a Trader Joe's in Dansbury. He was smoking a cigarette on his lunch break and eating a bean and brown rice burrito. He said he was the assistant night manager and I said that's cool man, hop on.

Oh me, I'm an ice cold bitch about to take a tour of America's Southwest.

I always ride shoeless and in a bikini, it helps cut down on wind resistance, that's just physics man.

Tony put out his cigarette, went back inside, grabbed a weeks worth of frozen mini pizzas, Candy Cane Joe Joe's, and 4 packs of Australian licorice. He hopped on the bike and we rode off into the night. I asked Tony if I could call him Tony Licorice, he said that was cool.

Tony set fire to his Hawaiian shirt and name tag, he also burned the mini pizzas.

We made it just in time to a Petco Unleashed outside of Cleveland. My rescue dog Molly needed more salmon treats.

They have glucosamine, it's good for her arthritis. 

Tony Licorice and I got to St. Louis at dawn. We had partied all night with some leather daddies so we were pretty beat. We traded them all the Candy Cane Joe Joe's for a bottle of peppermint Schnapps and a studded belt for Tony Licorice. Those cookies are seasonal man, they're a trader's dream.

We spent half the night brushing Joe Joe's crumbs out of his stache. It was cool.

Tulsa Oklahoma, I got kicked out of a Curves for riding my bike through the gym.

They've got a real square definition of Spin Class.

We spent the night in the desert out in New Mexico. Tony Licorice and I took peyote, lit a fire and got weird. I spent all night talking to a turtle in a sweater vest about Belle and Sebastian, we cuddled. When I woke up in the morning I was hugging a cactus wrapped in an old tube sock. Tony Licorice said he saw the spirit of the road. 

Turns out it was just Peter Fonda. He's got a house out in Flagstaff. We were actually on his property, he was pretty cool about it.

Tony Licorice and I made it to Frisco by nightfall. We parted ways. Last I heard he was still in Frisco working at the Trader Joe's there. They've got a pretty sweet transfer program. 

They've got dental too man. Tony's got a few cavities from all that licorice. Hazard of the road man, hazard of the road.