Soup Times!

It's soup weather...

Cream of Chicken Soup
Everyone loves cream of chicken soup, it's a fall favorite. Of course it is important to remember that cream of chicken is actually a misnomer, because as we all know to make authentic cream of chicken soup you need 2 pounds of freshly ground seagull. "What if I only have frozen seagull", you ask? Well frozen seagull, which can be easily found in the frozen foods section of your local grocery store, may be used as an acceptable substitute.  However, for a full bodied taste and a richer soup, I highly recommend procuring your own seagull and seagull grinder.  Now the first step in obtaining your seagull is to head to the beach. If you don't live by the water, try the parking lot at Kohl's, or a discount home improvement store. Seagulls are notoriously hard to catch. They're distrustful of others even their own kind, they are born thieves, and they're cruelty is unmatched. They've been know to steal a man's wallet, wait an hour, return the wallet with it's full monetary contents and credit cards, however they've flung any pictures of his children far out into the sea. The only surefire and easy way to catch a seagull is to soothe them by reading passages from Charles Dickens "Oliver Twist" aloud until they get close enough for you to throw a pillowcase or a plastic bag over their head.
*Chef's tip- try reading from the middle of "Oliver Twist". Seagulls really respond to the rampant thievery, domestic violence, and child endangerment portion of this classic Dickens tale.
After that it's quite easy to pluck, and grind your seagull. Don't forget to salt and pepper to taste, and then slowly add to your vegetable broth. Add generous helpings of fresh cream and lasagna noodles, and you've got yourself a great rainy day soup. Serve with a maritime place mat.
*Chef's tip- leave in the seagull beaks when grinding, I think you'll agree the flavor can't be matched.

Luna Bar Bisque- a soup for women
I can't tell you how much I enjoy a bowl of luna bar bisque. It's simple to make and it's a natural diuretic. The recipe is very easy, all you need is 24 luna bars, 3 bottles of any low calorie sports drink, and some tarragon. Blend until smooth and garnish with some shaved white chocolate. It's important to remember that this a summer soup, so always serve chilled with some watermelon slices.
*Chef's tip- please don't replace ingredients in this soup. Cliff bars will not be an appropriate replacement for luna bars, if you replace cliff bars for luna bars, that's cliff chowder, which is an altogether muskier and less inspirational soup that cannot, I repeat cannot be used to celebrate the new moon.

Pineapple Surprise Soup
Ok, so I'm late, really really late. I don't know how this could have happened I'm always so careful. Well not always, there was that time a couple weeks ago. Oh shit, what was I thinking? What was his name again, Tom? Dom? What the hell kind of name is Dom. Oh god, I didn't sleep with a guy named Dom did I? God like Dom DeLuise, that can't be good. Great now I can't get the image of a sweaty, naked Dom DeLuise out of my mind. This is terrible, this is all my fault. I have to stop going to parties where they serve sangria. That's the problem, god you think it's harmless like fruit punch or something, and then 5 drinks later you're naked with a man possibly named after Dom DeLuise. Any drink with that much fruit floating around in it shouldn't have consequences. But see that's my problem, the fruit. This is just like the raspberry vodka incident all over again. God what was his name, Troy? Lloyd.? Like Lloyd Bridges, oh that's gross. Why do I do this, why do I think of the grossest possible version of the guy I might have slept with. It's because I don't have any confidence, that's what it is. I've never had any self confidence. I suppose if I did I wouldn't be writing free lance soup recipes. God my life is bleak. John! John, that was name. John, not Dom. Ok, that's a little better. John, like John Goodman. Oh god, naked John Goodman. I have to stop doing this. Oh- the surprise in pineapple surprise soup is cilantro.
*Chef's tip- ease up on the sangria.

Aliens or Starbabies from another galaxy, and Dan Aykroyd.

 Starbabies!

Everyone knows that aliens exist. All you have to do is just look up into the nighttime sky (not during the day or you will hurt your eyes, unless you have sunglasses in which case I guess you can, that's kind of a gray area I guess- look I'm not an opthamologist) and you will see proof that aliens exist.  The stars are only there as a road map for them to come visit us whenever they like! It's all preplanned, all of it. Our very existence was already thought out and approved by alien beings. That time you had diarrhea in the car in 6th grade on the way back from that Chinese buffet place that you can't remember the name of- that's right it was all part of the alien's plan for our race, so stop being secretly upset about it every time you see an egg roll. Aliens! No one knows more about aliens than Dan Aykroyd. It's true! I know he looks like a potato latke, and he wears sweater vests, and he sells bbq sauce out by the Chicago convention center (he had all of his blood replaced with bbq sauce in 1997), but he also knows the secrets of the universe. That movie Coneheads was actually a serious detailed account of an alien family that had infiltrated our universe, and Ghostbusters is a really dark cautionary tale about the occult. Why should you know less than Dan Aykroyd? Shouldn't you too know the secrets of the universe? Don't be like Jane Curtain, believe in these secrets.

Secret # 1
Aliens built the pyramids. Yeah it's true.  There was a time when Aliens were really into triangles, it was their thing.  One of them put on a v-neck sweater, and it caught on from there. It spread like wildfire. So, at the height of their triangle phase, they came to Earth and decided to tell us all about it. Well we weren't that impressed, we were really into cats at the time and fishing with reeds. Well, when the aliens saw that we weren't impressed by triangle mania, they decided to place a bunch of huge triangles around in the hopes that it would really take off. It didn't, we put dead people in them, and started worshiping birds.
Aliens- 0, humans - 1. 

Secret # 2
All aliens look like this.  Look, I know it's common for us to envision aliens in all sorts of crazy get ups. You know, they have tentacles, or scales, or their exoskeleton is covered in a fine layer of Vaseline. Nope, sorry aliens only look like this. They all look like Ralph Fiennes without the lights on. They have thin lips and amazing cheekbones. They take a lot of pride in their looks, which is why they are insufferable to be around. Any time spent with them usually devolves into a one way conversation about their exfoliation techniques. They're dicks, but they're dicks with amazing skin.
Aliens- 1, humans -0.

Secret # 3
Aliens are really easy to capture. If the triangle thing didn't tip you off, aliens aren't that great at reading humans. They have a lot of convoluted ideas about how we're gentle savages and we just need to be taught some basic interstellar manners and then we will be able to handle the rest of the universe. With that in mind, when they do encounter us, they tend to get too close, or hold out their hands to us like they're feeding a pony a sugar cube. It doesn't work, we almost always lash out and attack, and that poor alien who just wanted to get a good picture with a human winds up in a lab deep within the bowels of the painted desert. Once they're in the lab, it's vivisection time. We will slice up any alien we find. We don't even need to at this point, we figured out the secrets of those cheekbones years ago, but we do it because we're dicks too.
Aliens- 0, humans -1.