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| Everyone knows that aliens exist. All you have to do is just look up into the nighttime sky (not during the day or you will hurt your eyes, unless you have sunglasses in which case I guess you can, that's kind of a gray area I guess- look I'm not an opthamologist) and you will see proof that aliens exist. The stars are only there as a road map for them to come visit us whenever they like! It's all preplanned, all of it. Our very existence was already thought out and approved by alien beings. That time you had diarrhea in the car in 6th grade on the way back from that Chinese buffet place that you can't remember the name of- that's right it was all part of the alien's plan for our race, so stop being secretly upset about it every time you see an egg roll. Aliens! No one knows more about aliens than Dan Aykroyd. It's true! I know he looks like a potato latke, and he wears sweater vests, and he sells bbq sauce out by the Chicago convention center (he had all of his blood replaced with bbq sauce in 1997), but he also knows the secrets of the universe. That movie Coneheads was actually a serious detailed account of an alien family that had infiltrated our universe, and Ghostbusters is a really dark cautionary tale about the occult. Why should you know less than Dan Aykroyd? Shouldn't you too know the secrets of the universe? Don't be like Jane Curtain, believe in these secrets. |
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| Secret # 1 Aliens built the pyramids. Yeah it's true. There was a time when Aliens were really into triangles, it was their thing. One of them put on a v-neck sweater, and it caught on from there. It spread like wildfire. So, at the height of their triangle phase, they came to Earth and decided to tell us all about it. Well we weren't that impressed, we were really into cats at the time and fishing with reeds. Well, when the aliens saw that we weren't impressed by triangle mania, they decided to place a bunch of huge triangles around in the hopes that it would really take off. It didn't, we put dead people in them, and started worshiping birds. Aliens- 0, humans - 1. |
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| Secret # 2 All aliens look like this. Look, I know it's common for us to envision aliens in all sorts of crazy get ups. You know, they have tentacles, or scales, or their exoskeleton is covered in a fine layer of Vaseline. Nope, sorry aliens only look like this. They all look like Ralph Fiennes without the lights on. They have thin lips and amazing cheekbones. They take a lot of pride in their looks, which is why they are insufferable to be around. Any time spent with them usually devolves into a one way conversation about their exfoliation techniques. They're dicks, but they're dicks with amazing skin. Aliens- 1, humans -0. |
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| Secret # 3 Aliens are really easy to capture. If the triangle thing didn't tip you off, aliens aren't that great at reading humans. They have a lot of convoluted ideas about how we're gentle savages and we just need to be taught some basic interstellar manners and then we will be able to handle the rest of the universe. With that in mind, when they do encounter us, they tend to get too close, or hold out their hands to us like they're feeding a pony a sugar cube. It doesn't work, we almost always lash out and attack, and that poor alien who just wanted to get a good picture with a human winds up in a lab deep within the bowels of the painted desert. Once they're in the lab, it's vivisection time. We will slice up any alien we find. We don't even need to at this point, we figured out the secrets of those cheekbones years ago, but we do it because we're dicks too. Aliens- 0, humans -1. |
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