Dear Black Candle Press ( a subsidiary of Cauldron Publishing),
My name is Susan Skudowski. I'm a grandmother, a mother of one beautiful son, and a retired secretary at Jack Ruby Middle School. Recently I found several of your books at our local neighborhood Swap and Shop for feline Leukemia (our yearly yard sale and swap meet - all the proceeds go to Judy's Cat House - it's a cat shelter Judy Finch runs out of her house, we've begged her to change the name as cat house implies a tawdrier scenario instead of what it is, a lonely woman with disposable income who never met a cat she didn't like). I don't normally buy books at swap meets, and I most certainly don't buy the types of books that YOUR company would publish, but I found myself in a pickle recently and I thought that for $1.20 maybe these books would be the answer to my problems (I should add that originally Sharon Stattler was selling these books for $2.25 but I talked her down to $1.20- I know what she puts in her apple cider - it's gin).
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| Here's me at the swap meet. I'm wearing the green striped shirt, Sharon is wearing the orange striped shirt- she's a drunk and a copycat. |
As I stated before, I don't normally buy books, especially books about witchcraft, but I found myself in a pickle. It started last Christmas when my husband Carl and I went on a Disney cruise instead of attending my daughter- in law Shelley's holiday party (the fact that she called it a holiday party and NOT a Christmas party says all you need to know about Shelley). While on the cruise we decided to have dinner with another retired couple from Michigan, Tom and Sara Crawford. We had a lovely meal with Tom and Sara and Goofy (he ate all the bread at our table and didn't apologize). Well apparently things went a little too well for my husband and Sara as I found them kissing behind the tiki torches at Mickey's luau pavilion (Goofy actually found them first and then he notified me - it made up a little for the bread). I knew that Carl was slipping away from me, so I faked food poisoning, demanded we cancel the trip, and we left the next day for home (I'm also in the process of writing a strongly worded letter to Disney Cruise LTD - I know I didn't technically get food poisoning but imagine if I had, that would've ruined my trip). Since that trip I've noticed that Carl has become distant and I'm sure he no longer loves me. So as you can see I've been desperate to win him back. I've tried everything I can think of including two types of hamburger helper, and wearing nothing but a Philadelphia Eagles jersey and my slipper socks to bed (the slipper socks stay on, Carl knows that). Unfortunately Carl is no longer interested in me. I decided to drown my sorrows in shopping at the swap meet and that's when I came across your books. Your one title in particular "The Complete Art of Witchcraft" seemed helpful as it included a love spell.
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| I don't care for witchcraft, but she has a lovely smile. Also it's not satanism if her last name is a vegetable. |
Well, her book included a lot of nonsense about "controlling my tides" (I had a full hysterectomy in 2009, thank you very much), unlocking my inner love demon (I don't have one), and something about turning a faithful household pet into a loyal Shaman protector (that spell led to my poor Siamese cat Jane Seymour biting the neighbor boy who cleans our pool. She took his thumb clean off when he reached into my purse for one of my fun size snickers without asking- his parents demanded that we put her down, it's just as well, she did have feline Leukemia).
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| There's a fun size Snickers waiting for you in cat heaven Jane Seymour |
My problem began with the love spell on page 29, "the ultimate love potion". I decided that this was the perfect spell to use on Carl to cure his wandering ways. The spell starts out simply enough with basic household ingredients, a pinch of rosemary, a dash of salt. Even the request for sage was simple enough to find (apparently it's a spice you can buy at any grocery store). However, I was not amused by the addition of several hard to find items such as ginseng and powdered newt. I went all the way to a Whole Foods and all I could find was an herbal tea called Gaia's Gentle Ginseng Cleanse (the box unfolds into a yoga mat). Well I couldn't find powdered newt anywhere. I don't even know what a newt is, is it a lizard, a salamander? How in the hell would you powder a lizard? You tell me Cauldron Publishing - it's your book. In the end I had to fudge it and replace the powdered newt with 5 dead bees that had dried up on my windowsill, and just like the time I replaced whole milk with a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast in a last minute pudding recipe for my grandson Neil, things went horribly wrong.
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| He still hasn't forgiven me for that grainy pudding |
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| I also threw in some bread crumbs, we all know gluten allergies are for New York liberals and little girls. |
Unfortunately, the love did not pour in. Instead, my grandson Neil began to spew unholy amounts of green vomit and his entire body began to mutate before my very eyes. I thought it might be the gluten but before I reach for the paper towels, he began to levitate. Well, that certainly wasn't going to work for me, his mother and father were due back any minute from their couple's therapy session ($50 dollars a visit just to talk about Shelley's feelings - she does that for free after one glass of wine). I tried my best to talk him down from the ceiling, but it was pretty obvious that I had turned my one and only grandson (my son has a low sperm count- it's Shelley's fault for talking his sperm to death) into a demon straight from hell.
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| On the plus side, he's forgotten about the pudding |
Sincerely,
Susan Skudowski
p.s. Neil says hello
