Friday, September 21, 2012

Deadly Women

Susan T. Beachly the Philadelphia Prostitute Pants Prankster & Murderess
Susan T. Beachly's story is one of sadness and of tomfoolery gone wrong.  Susan worked the docks and naval yard as a prostitute to make ends meet.  Although she found her work profitable, she also found it to be really, really boring.  To liven up her night time activities, Susan devised a plan in which she would drug her would be clients, remove their pants, and leave them passed out hopefully to be found and teased by a crowd of early morning dock workers and sailors.  It should be said that Susan was no career criminal, at no point in time during the alleged druggings and pants removals, did it occur to Susan to rob her helpless johns.  Instead she lost an estimated 50 - 100 dollars a night.  Susan simply became a thrill prankster and pants removal artist, content to live out her days taking  the pants off of drugged and lonely men.  However, fate was not kind to Susan, and one night her joke would go to far.  A young man awoke at dawn to find his pants removed by the newly monikered "Philadelphia prostitute pants prankster". He was so embarrassed that he scrambled to hide before his pants less state would be revealed to the morning dock workers.  However, in his mad dash to hide, he tripped and fell cracking his skull against a freighter, and falling into the harbor stone dead.  When Susan was revealed to be the prostitute in question, she was caught red handed with the dead man's pants in her possession.  As it was 1943 and Susan was woman who delighted in drugging and mildly harassing the men of Philadelphia, she was sentenced to death by electrocution.  Her final words were reported as being " it was a pretty good gag". 

Paula Glickman the Deadly Black Widow Ice Queen Honeymoon Hatchet Murderess
Paula Glickman has never been caught.  This is the only remaining photo of her modeling a wedding veil for a local television news program in an ironic front to side mug shot style.  Paula Glickman is known to have killed at least 3 husbands in Canada, Niagara Falls, and Buffalo, New York.  By all accounts, Paula lures elderly men into relationships through a series of impressive and strongly worded letters about team sports to the editors of local newspapers.  If the elderly men responded favorably to her letters in the following week's opinion page, Paula's trap of sex and greed was sprung.  To be fair to Paula Glickman, the title Deadly Black Widow Ice Queen Honeymoon Hatchet Murderess is a misnomer.  Paula has never been described by anyone she has come in contact with as being an "ice queen".  Many who have met Paula would describe her as a friendly woman with a strong love of insurance pay outs, and team sports. She is believed to be on the run with her lover Troy, a weight lifting enthusiast, somewhere in Costa Rica.

Terry Louise Fitzgibbons the Baltimore Corn Holder Killer
Terry Louise had only been married a year when she killed her husband Floyd.  Terry Louise and Floyd had very few marital problems, so it was a surprise to her friends and family when she murdered Floyd over a single comment regarding a Thursday night dinner.  Apparently Floyd had arrived home later than usual which allowed for his diner to cool. As he helped himself to a plate he commented to Terry Louise that his corn on the cob had "gone cold".  This statement would unknowingly be his undoing. Terry Louise sprang from her chair and shouted " that's not the only thing that's gone cold around here".  She then proceeded to stab her husband 36 times with a pair of novelty corn holders shaped like 2 pugs in sailor suits which in their original packaging had been advertised as "2 salty dogs". During her trial Terry Louise's lawyer testified that although she loved her husband Floyd, Terry Louise had a strong love of puns and action films, and she could not resist any opportunity to deliver such an ultimate final line.  Terry Louise was convicted of manslaughter and spent the next 15 years in prison realizing that better lines had been available all along, such as "I'm putting you on a DIEt, or "maybe you can warm your corn...in hell".

Sharon A. Little the Satanic Goat Queen Killer
Sharon A. Little had no intention of becoming a satanic goat queen.  She was simply dating a man named Claude Weathers, a noted occult bookstore owner and flutist in a local psychedelic band called "Sisters of the Paisley Moon". Sharon had never been able to resist a musician, and she soon found herself entangled in a messy relationship fueled by love, hatred, desire, red wine, and black turtleneck sweaters.  One evening Claude suggested to Sharon that perhaps at the Sisters next show Sharon could don a black cape and read an excerpt from one of Claude's books on modern witchcraft. He felt that the theatrics would surely increase slow tickets sales and boost the bands status in the small but competitive local psychedelic music scene. Sharon agreed and suggested to Claude that they increase the dramatics by performing a fake "sacrifice" on stage.  They both agreed and devised a plan involving fake blood, a prop knife, and an impromptu "sacrifice" that was sure to impress the crowd.  Claude even agreed to be the "offering" and suggested that Sharon "slay" him during the song "Spanish Moon Beam" (one of the few Sisters songs without an extended flute solo).  The plan was innocent enough, but unfortunately for Sharon it all went wrong.  In an effort to combat her stage fright, Sharon proceeded to drink copious amounts of red wine during the bands first 3 songs.  When it was finally her time to join the band on stage she made a fatal error and grabbed a real knife that someone had left backstage along with a nice cheese plate and tiny crackers.  Sharon performed the "sacrifice" in full and unfortunately for Claude she slammed the business end of a serrated cheese knife right into his jugular vein.  In addition to killing Claude, Sharon made one other fatal error.  In her drunken stupor, Sharon believed the words of the song to be "satanic goat queen" and not "Spanish moon beam" as the song title had suggested.  Witnesses of the brutal slaying would tell police that the sight of a drunken woman in a black cape screaming "satanic goat queen", during a rousing rendition of "Spanish moon beam" would haunt them in their dreams.  Her lawyers tried in vain to explain all of these mishaps to a jury, but she would be convicted as Satan's assassin, and would forever be known as the "satanic goat queen".


Darlene A. Nordstrom, the Minnesota Coat Murderess
Darlene A. Nordstrom had a very mundane life, a loving husband, 3 kids, and a part time job as a receptionist for the town's only opthamologist.  She was a simple woman with simple tastes who did have one prized possession, a Navajo tapestry coat which she had purchased on a scenic tour of America's southwest.  Although it was basically a reproduction sold in any gift shop from Arizona to Oklahoma, Darlene felt like a true Navajo warrior when she wore that coat.  She was so entranced by Native American culture after her visit, that she decorated her entire home with woven blankets and dream catchers. She even devoted a large part of her sun porch to a small but exemplary indoor cacti garden.  She was the envy of every other Minnesota housewife in a 15 mile radius, except of course for Agnes FInch, a woman who after spending 3 days in London England, arrived back in Minnesota with a shag haircut and a new scooter.  Darlene was a loving woman, but she had one strict rule in her home. "NO ONE touches the Navajo blanket coat".  So, on a Tuesday evening in early fall when she pulled her coat out of storage from the back of the closet and found that someone had left the plastic sleeve protecting her coat unzipped, Darlene was incensed.  Upon further inspection she found that her beloved coat had in fact been attacked by moths, a fact that sent Darlene into a murderous rage.  Her husband climbed the stairs to their marital bedroom in an attempt to "see what all the hubbub was about".  Unfortunately for him that would be his undoing.  Darlene Nordstrom's husband was born a true albino, his total lack of pigment and fluttering hand gestures caused Darlene to have a complete psychotic break.  She now believed that her pale, pale husband was the alpha moth sent to finish off her precious Navajo blanket coat.  She sprang and immediately covered her husband in a handmade quilt. She then beat him to death with her son Todd's aluminum baseball bat.  She spent the next 3 days in a tense stand off with police, and when they finally swarmed her home they found her wrapped in her coat surrounded by piles and piles of mothballs.  It should also be noted that when they stormed her home, her sun porch and indoor cacti garden were ruined in a cruel twist of fate.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Welcome to Australia

It's their mayor!
A friendly traffic dispute.

A friendlier traffic dispute.

Uh oh.

Excuse me sir, but I believe you forgot your shotgun.
No sir, I believe YOU forgot your shotgun.

No, it's my shotgun.

Oh right this is YOUR shotgun, it looks just like mine!
Babies!
Nuns!
It's a desert climate.

Stacy Keach lives here, year round!
Australia exports over 1000 metric tons of hair each year to America.

Leather goods are a vital part of the Australian economy.

Just like in the UK, elevators are called lifts in Australia!
Thanks for visiting! (now get the hell out)