Soup Times!

It's soup weather...

Cream of Chicken Soup
Everyone loves cream of chicken soup, it's a fall favorite. Of course it is important to remember that cream of chicken is actually a misnomer, because as we all know to make authentic cream of chicken soup you need 2 pounds of freshly ground seagull. "What if I only have frozen seagull", you ask? Well frozen seagull, which can be easily found in the frozen foods section of your local grocery store, may be used as an acceptable substitute.  However, for a full bodied taste and a richer soup, I highly recommend procuring your own seagull and seagull grinder.  Now the first step in obtaining your seagull is to head to the beach. If you don't live by the water, try the parking lot at Kohl's, or a discount home improvement store. Seagulls are notoriously hard to catch. They're distrustful of others even their own kind, they are born thieves, and they're cruelty is unmatched. They've been know to steal a man's wallet, wait an hour, return the wallet with it's full monetary contents and credit cards, however they've flung any pictures of his children far out into the sea. The only surefire and easy way to catch a seagull is to soothe them by reading passages from Charles Dickens "Oliver Twist" aloud until they get close enough for you to throw a pillowcase or a plastic bag over their head.
*Chef's tip- try reading from the middle of "Oliver Twist". Seagulls really respond to the rampant thievery, domestic violence, and child endangerment portion of this classic Dickens tale.
After that it's quite easy to pluck, and grind your seagull. Don't forget to salt and pepper to taste, and then slowly add to your vegetable broth. Add generous helpings of fresh cream and lasagna noodles, and you've got yourself a great rainy day soup. Serve with a maritime place mat.
*Chef's tip- leave in the seagull beaks when grinding, I think you'll agree the flavor can't be matched.

Luna Bar Bisque- a soup for women
I can't tell you how much I enjoy a bowl of luna bar bisque. It's simple to make and it's a natural diuretic. The recipe is very easy, all you need is 24 luna bars, 3 bottles of any low calorie sports drink, and some tarragon. Blend until smooth and garnish with some shaved white chocolate. It's important to remember that this a summer soup, so always serve chilled with some watermelon slices.
*Chef's tip- please don't replace ingredients in this soup. Cliff bars will not be an appropriate replacement for luna bars, if you replace cliff bars for luna bars, that's cliff chowder, which is an altogether muskier and less inspirational soup that cannot, I repeat cannot be used to celebrate the new moon.

Pineapple Surprise Soup
Ok, so I'm late, really really late. I don't know how this could have happened I'm always so careful. Well not always, there was that time a couple weeks ago. Oh shit, what was I thinking? What was his name again, Tom? Dom? What the hell kind of name is Dom. Oh god, I didn't sleep with a guy named Dom did I? God like Dom DeLuise, that can't be good. Great now I can't get the image of a sweaty, naked Dom DeLuise out of my mind. This is terrible, this is all my fault. I have to stop going to parties where they serve sangria. That's the problem, god you think it's harmless like fruit punch or something, and then 5 drinks later you're naked with a man possibly named after Dom DeLuise. Any drink with that much fruit floating around in it shouldn't have consequences. But see that's my problem, the fruit. This is just like the raspberry vodka incident all over again. God what was his name, Troy? Lloyd.? Like Lloyd Bridges, oh that's gross. Why do I do this, why do I think of the grossest possible version of the guy I might have slept with. It's because I don't have any confidence, that's what it is. I've never had any self confidence. I suppose if I did I wouldn't be writing free lance soup recipes. God my life is bleak. John! John, that was name. John, not Dom. Ok, that's a little better. John, like John Goodman. Oh god, naked John Goodman. I have to stop doing this. Oh- the surprise in pineapple surprise soup is cilantro.
*Chef's tip- ease up on the sangria.